Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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A furious dude storms into a bar 1 evenin n smashes a bottle on the floor 2 catch everybody's attention.

"Know what? All lawers are a-holes" he shouts.

A lil man goes up 2 him n says "U better frikin take that shiyt back."

"Say what? Are u a f%*kin lawer?"

"Nope" says the lil man "I'm an a**-hole"

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After rampaging Afganistan, Bush and Tony are sitting in a bar discussing next steps. Kofi Annan walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Tony Blair?"

The barman says "Yes, that's them."

So he walks over and says,"Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning an attack on Iraq"

Kofi says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill a million Iraqis and one cobbler."

Kofi exclaimed, "A COBBLER?!!!"

Bush turns to Tony and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about a million Iraqis!"

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One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

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Jake in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife, Sally is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men have to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."


Jake turns with a confused look on his face and says, "You need to make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

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Bertha was dead. The minister conducted her eulogy with heartfelt gusto.

"Bertha married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she married yet again and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died. Then alas, she finally died," he intoned.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for Bertha. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."


Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend Jane, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

Jane replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... (as usual)
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
"I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you" ....but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pickup the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls And asks what happened......

She said "The bastard used coins"

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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


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A man and his son are playing baseball out in the yard. A butterfly lands on the ground near the boy. The boy stomps on it, killing it.

The dad says "Son, that was a part of nature. The butterflies are our friends. As a punishment you can't eat butter for a week.".

The next day, the dad and his kid are in the yard again. All of a sudden a honeybee comes flying around the kids head. He swats it out of the air and kills it.

The dad turns to his son and says "Son, that was a part of nature. The honeybees are our friends. As a punishment you can' eat honey for a week.".

The following morning the boy and his dad are sitting at the table eating breakfast. The little boy eating a piece of toast without butter, and without honey. All of a sudden he notices a cockroach running across the kitchen floor. His mother stomps on it and kills it.

The boy turns to his dad and says "Do you want to tell her, or should I?".

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's a drillin' holes in his farwood and hidin' marijuana inside!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!) _________________________________________________ Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" _________________________________________________ Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!!! _________________________________________________ A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?" "Yes darling, very good." "Is that because I'm blond?" "Yes darling, it's because you're blond." Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! It's good "innit?" "Yes darling, very good." "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?" "Yes darling it's because you're blond. Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D's at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?" "No darling, it's because you're 25." _________________________________________________ A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."